Recently, in order to save money on our internet connection, my husband and I got cable tv. Yes, it cost us less money to add cable to our internet service than it cost just to have the internet. Anyway. Since getting cable, I have discovered my new favorite thing: HGTV, Home and Garden Television.

HGTV is a fascinating and unique place. There are all sorts of things that are considered normal on HGTV that I never realized were household requirements. HGTV has brought me up-to-date on the vital improvements that must be done to our home in order to make it suitable for habitation.

hgtvOn HGTV kitchen countertops are only available in granite, quartz, or marble. I used to think that butcher-block countertops were lovely – but then I learned about quartz. Have you seen quartz countertops? They are silvery-white and creamy. Basically, they are so beautiful that I would just serve breakfast, lunch, and dinner directly on the counter. No need for a dining table (usually custom built to the exact specifications of a family), no need for silverware (probably reconditioned from an antique, real silver set) – we’ll just plop down at the quartz counter top and eat right there.

On HGTV hardwood floors are a status symbol. I’ve pulled up a corner of my carpet more than once just to check in case there are hardwood floors under there that could be sanded, stained, and double the market value of our house. They aren’t there – but I’ll probably check again tomorrow, just in case I didn’t pull the carpet back quite far enough.


On HGTV you can’t have a master bedroom without a walk-in closet and an en-suite bathroom. Home renovators on HGTV always make big, glass, seamless walk-in showers with rain shower-heads and enough room to bathe a small heifer. All bathrooms have double vanities.

On HGTV laundry rooms can take up a large portion of the overall square footage of the house. Last week I watched a show where a whole bedroom was sacrificed in order to host a laundry room. Washers and dryers go in this dedicated room with a special folding table and are, naturally, smart-machines. I don’t know exactly what a smart-machine does. Does it sense when the clothes are dry and stop on it’s own? Does it alert you if the red socks are dying your white shirts pink? Personally, I’m not interested unless they switch the washed clothes into the dryer and fold them when they’re done.

On HGTV all kitchens are chef’s kitchens and set up to feed the five thousand. They all feature large islands (complete with that quartz countertop), custom-built cabinets, and sinks (with windows overlooking the backyard). Speaking of sinks, ever since I have learned about farmhouse sinks I simply cannot do the dishes in my own sink anymore (not that I exactly enjoyed doing them before, but this just adds insult to injury). Now that I know that there are over-size, ceramic, built-out sinks, I have realized that there really isn’t enough room for my pots and pans in the sink.

On HGTV walls are of the devil. The first thing the designers do upon entering a house is decide which walls they’re going to demolish. This is in pursuit of the god of HGTV, which is the open-concept layout. Having an open-concept means that there are no walls dividing the kitchen from the dining room and living areas. I love an open concept, don’t get me wrong, but sometimes I like to eat my dinner without being in full view of all the dishes we’re going to be doing when we’re done eating.

Yesterday I thought I was getting a little too addicted to HGTV, so I branched out to the DIY channel. I watched a show where they were building custom pools. Don’t you think a custom pool would look lovely in our backyard? They could make it look just like a natural pond? With fancy stonework and little waterfalls? Lily-pads? A koi pond, too? Heated, naturally, so we could use it as a hot tub in the winter? That’ll work, right Tim?






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